I've finally throwing in the towel on the secure perimeter upgrades, and admitting my handiman skillz are not so 1337. George is going to finish it for me - George built our porch (seen here), and is all around fabulous. After five days of fixing stuff (maybe 75% of the total), I'm just plain out of gas.
So George FTW! And Borepatch FTF!*
* For The Fail. Bah.