Internet Spam Haiku - by Brigid
You too can make two
hundred dollars an hour
SPAM - like leading a horse to water. Or not.
I've seen it all, even without accepting anonymous comments. There's the one guy who leaves comments on all the popular blogs - completely generic comments that indicated he never read your post. We may not all write Shakespeare in a comment but putting "loved your post! or great idea! - link exchange?" on a post about a death in someone's family or a soldier being killed while serving is beyond tactless. When it goes back to a blog that's pretty much nothing but ads, other people's writing he copied and other people's videos, it's just wrong.
But there is always the obvious SPAM that IS funny. There are the ones that seem to be written by someone whose first language is NOT English. (Hot, like a cow on fire!)
And the SPAM that comes via "thank you gmail!" Letting me know there's a source for everything I could ever want to know on the "craps workbench (verb or noun?), ascent tampon, gopher debilitator, or products from the Spiderman Pharmacy. Then of course there are the letters from folks with long legal titles in mangled English that begin with a narrative informing me of the giant foreign lottery I won that I don't remember entering, or the arrangement to cash a big check for someone overseas in exchange for a fee so big I could buy my own island -
"I humbly request your ass. . ."
Spammer: Help transfer 2.5 million, I'll give you 30%.
Me: Great and in exchange, I'll loan you my talking elephant (fluent in English, Farsi, and Mandarine Chinese). You can rent him out to parties and keep 30%
Then there are the ones that just make you tilt your head like the RCA dog. Huh?
"Observe up the monumental hunk of process, I show handful points on this internet site also I deem that your net scene is rattling stimulating furthermore has places of splendid news.”
"Monumental hunk of process?" Apparently he was a Six Sigma guy on crack selling the "Western Wedding Dress" (Annie Oakley gets her man?)
Of course, there are the more mundane ones, simply a sensible sounding comment that makes sense but is so generic that it might not have any bearing on the actual post, but then again, it could. "I wonder who sent it ? There's no link, just a blogger name, this must be someone I know" (click on the blogger name) - "Act Now, get The Ronco Weasel Encabulator!"
The Brigid Crown Roast of SPAM
Always filling up my SPAM folder are those creepy ads for Viagra or Cialis that would make a South St. Louis crack dealer blush. I will not repeat here as my daughter reads my posts.
Then there are the ones that are pure gibberish. Written by a computer or simply someone reading the thesaurus after smoking the Happy Poppy.
Most people believe that a satellite falls in love with a loyal tape recorder, but they need to remember how ostensibly a load bearing burglar wakes up.
If you want to have real fun, reply to one of those SPAM's from foreign women named Natasha or Anna the hot chick who saw you at the grocery who want to throw their bodies at you if you'd just send them air fare-- with your own auto generated reply.
Dear Darling Natasha.
ANY sandwich can accurately sanitize an imaginary deficit, but it takes a real fruit cake to avoid contact with the steam engine. The cab drive for an industrial complex ostensibly is a big fan of a grain of sand. Now and then an asteroid near a paper napkin pees on the boiled warranty.
Remember darling, when you see the ski lodge it means the tattered customer went to sleep.
But this latest one, from a country where the currency exchange is likely based on the current value of a camel, did make me laugh after a VERY long and stressful week. Maybe because he called me "dude" before trying to sell me dental equipment likely leftover from the last Soviet invasion, (the last three words being a direct link which I did NOT click on.)
"thanx dude i am really ur post tooth extracting forceps"
And finally - my favorite of those one liners.
THIS MASSAGE IS FROM HOMELAND SECURITY. (Secret Service-- I might have bought it.)
So, what were YOUR worst SPAM comments?