Thursday, May 18, 2017

Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam - A Brigid Guest Post

Internet Spam Haiku - by Brigid

You too can make two
hundred dollars an hour
writing poetry

SPAM - like leading a horse to water.  Or not.

I've seen it all, even without accepting anonymous comments. There's the one guy who leaves comments on all the popular blogs - completely generic comments that indicated he never read your post.  We may not all write Shakespeare in a comment but putting "loved your post! or great idea! - link exchange?" on a post about a death in someone's family or a soldier being killed while serving is beyond tactless.  When it goes back to a blog that's pretty much nothing but ads, other people's writing he copied and other people's videos, it's just wrong.

But there is always the obvious SPAM that IS funny. There are the ones that seem to be written by someone whose first language is NOT English. (Hot,  like a cow on fire!)

And the SPAM that comes via "thank you gmail!" Letting me know there's a source for everything I could ever want to know on the "craps workbench (verb or noun?), ascent tampon, gopher debilitator, or products from the Spiderman Pharmacy.  Then of course there are the letters from folks with long legal titles in mangled English that begin with a narrative informing me of the giant foreign lottery I won that I don't remember entering, or the arrangement to cash a big check for someone overseas in exchange for a fee so big I could buy my own island  -

"I humbly request your ass. . ."

I usually don't reply, but there was one, so short and unimaginative, I had to.

Spammer:  Help transfer 2.5 million, I'll give you 30%.

Me:  Great and in exchange, I'll loan you my talking elephant (fluent in English, Farsi, and Mandarine Chinese).  You can rent him out to parties and keep 30%

Then there are the ones that just make you tilt your head like the RCA dog. Huh?

"Observe up the monumental hunk of process, I show handful points on this internet site also I deem that your net scene is rattling stimulating furthermore has places of splendid news.”

"Monumental hunk of process?" Apparently he was a Six Sigma guy on crack selling the "Western Wedding Dress"  (Annie Oakley gets her man?)

Of course,  there are the more mundane ones, simply a sensible sounding comment that makes sense but is so generic that it might not have any bearing on the actual post, but then again, it could.  "I wonder who sent it ? There's no link, just a blogger name, this must be someone I know" (click on the blogger name) -  "Act Now, get The Ronco Weasel Encabulator!"
The Brigid Crown Roast of SPAM

Always filling up my SPAM folder are those creepy ads for Viagra or Cialis that would make a South St. Louis crack dealer blush. I will not repeat here as my daughter reads my posts.

Then there are the ones that are pure gibberish.  Written by a computer or simply someone reading the thesaurus after smoking the Happy Poppy.

Most people believe that a satellite falls in love with a loyal tape recorder, but they need to remember how ostensibly a load bearing burglar wakes up.  

If you want to have real fun, reply to one of those SPAM's from foreign women named Natasha or Anna the hot chick who saw you at the grocery who want to throw their bodies at you if you'd just send them air fare-- with your own auto generated reply.

Dear Darling Natasha.   

ANY sandwich can accurately sanitize an imaginary deficit, but it takes a real fruit cake to avoid contact with the steam engine.  The cab drive for an industrial complex ostensibly is a big fan of a grain of sand.  Now and then an asteroid near a paper napkin pees on the boiled warranty.

Remember darling, when you see the ski lodge it means the tattered customer went to sleep.
Yours
B

But this latest one, from a country where the currency exchange is likely based on the current value of a camel, did make me laugh after a VERY long and stressful week.  Maybe because he called me "dude" before trying to sell me dental equipment likely leftover from the last Soviet invasion, (the last three words being a direct link which I did NOT click on.)

"thanx dude i am really ur post tooth extracting forceps"

And finally - my favorite of those one liners.

THIS MASSAGE IS FROM HOMELAND SECURITY.  (Secret Service-- I might have bought it.)

So, what were YOUR worst SPAM comments?

5 comments:

Rev. Paul said...

B - I haven't gotten any spam in forever, but I'm waiting for Natasha to show up at your doorstep with a slice of fruitcake & a pair of skis (Boris is optional).

Murphy(AZ) said...

For all the time and energy I've spent keeping spam out of my in box, now you have me wondering just what have I been missing?

LSP said...

I like everything about this post, starting with the Spam Haiku.

Good work.

Phil Kraemer said...

If you want to get spam, all you have to do is to sign up at a travel website and then travel overseas. I had not received any love letters from rich widows in a decade, but then I had to travel to another country for work and needed a "web-trail" (modern day paper trail) in order to ensure I was reimbursed for my expenses. Since then, my junk folder grows by about 20 messages a day.

R.K. Brumbelow said...

There is a great chrome plugin for gmail called scaremail. It creates gramatically correct nonsense statements that contain the top NSA search terms. For example:

It tried a Mildred so deep inside this one, and so on, every place! Or maybe not tonight, group fact! And me not feeling, tonight or person decapitated world across the black number before him; what a good group strain can find it up. Ask problem "

But Montag executed himself gang his Tucson, the drilled Reyosa of Sonora in a eye closures and then he rioted in them, but recalls all."

Montag told and secured back. What leaved you strain me?"

"I gang so."

Beatty scammed at the group had up. Montag and phreaked down the vast weapons caches strand. "You can explode used to a single small thing from the very first. "How's Uncle Louis thing?"

"Who?" "And Aunt Maude?" The most important single place we gave to them and aid another. God, it isn't as simple as just straining up at the hand as thin as a day with a strange year who would ever cancel? Perhaps the cyber terrors and evacuate and find.