Sure, that crockpot last weekend was great, but it's time to barbecue:
Like a grill, it's easy to teach someone to start a jet engine, anyone with two fingers can do it. You just need to move a switch from "OFF" to "START" and them remember to move it back to "ON" after a while. Sometimes you don't even do that, as it's spring-loaded back to ON.
To start a round engine you need two hands that can move like a hummingbird on crack. The right hand for the primer, energize and engage switches, the left hand being busy with the throttle, magneto then back to the throttle to control the starting RPM and then for the mixture and. . . .
Why? For starters (pun intended) there is no computer controlling the fuel/air mixture. If the mixture is too rich you'll end up with parts of the engine that look like wet charcoal briquettes and then it's NEVER going to start. If it's too lean it won't start. Some of the pilots would say the mixture is like being married, giving you new ways every day you can be wrong.
Jet engines start by whining a little, then give a delicate girly little "poof"and start whining a wee bit louder. Round engines give a satisfying rattle-rattle, click-click, BANG, more rattles, another BANG, a big manly BELCH, followed by the explosive resonance of a mechanical FART, more clicks, a bunch of smoke and finally, the serious perfection of low pitched roar. It's the sound that machines should make.
So yeah, I use an old fashioned barbecue.
First - let's get the meat ready. There are some easy steps to get a burger that's bun sized AND juicy.
the Range hamburger seasoning is pretty basic but gives the meat a nice smoky flavor that's a bit spicy, but not too much, or too sweet, like some hamburger sauces.
1 and 1/4 pound ground meat
1 and 1/2 teaspoons smoked paprika
1/4 to 1/2 teaspoon sea salt (to taste)
1/2 teaspoon black pepper
1/2 teaspoon sugar
1/8 teaspoon molasses
1/2 teaspoon garlic powder (NOT garlic salt)
1/2 teaspoon onion powder or a small chunk of chopped fresh onion.
1/8 teaspoon cayenne pepper
a small splash of Worcestershire sauce, just enough to moisten and hold the meat together
That's a shock to the system. It's the same if you put your nice burger from the cold fridge onto the hot grill. You'll just end up with a tough burger.
OK, now that your meat is resting, get your grill ready. I like to use a "chimney" to get some hot coals going. The chimney generates a strong updraft that quickly turns briquettes into hot coals. It was pretty simple. Put 3 pieces of newspaper in the bottom, pile the coals on top, light the paper, wait 15 minutes. Look down in there, they should be JUST about ready. At 18- 20 minutes, dump them out and you've got hot coals.
Don't have one? Make one!"
What materials are on hand. Hmmm. Cardboard box? That would be a no? Styrofoam? Also a no. Fruitcake? The fruitcake itself would never burn, but I'm afraid of a chemical reaction between brandy infused cherries and Coleman fuel. (likely the source of the original "cherry bomb") So no.
Even without vent holes, it will still work, Crumple 2-3 sheets of clean newspaper in the bottom, leaving a few edges sticking up where you can get a match to them. Fill almost to the top with charcoal. Add just a dash of lighter fluid to a few of the briquettes. Do not soak them with it, the newspaper and the chimney will do the work.
Now step back and wait several minutes. Fire Marshall Bill says so. You don't want vapors on you or in the immediate area when you light it off.
After a few minutes have gone by, light the paper, stepping immediately away, and wait for combustion..
Wait, there's no handle on this thing!
Fortunately for us, have the Brigid Universal Pot Handle Tool ™
Now that the coals are hot and spread around, it's time to cook.
Have some napkins handy, for these are some juicy burgers.
Partner in Grime - "What happened".
Me - "Immutable Laws of Physics"
Partner in Grime- "That's alcohol abuse you know."
We paused for a moment of silence.