Monday, March 13, 2017

Ultimate Final Exam - A Brigid Guest Post

I read on the news today that New York was going to ditch a literacy exam for new teachers because more minorities were failing it than white teaching candidates, citing "racism" (I didn't know "not actually studying" was not considered "racism"). Yes, let's just reduce the standards so someone that couldn't' pass a 12th-grade level test (and it was) can now teach the next generation.

Back in my University days, there was an "ultimate final exam" floating around that I posted on Home on the Range a couple of years ago. It had one question involving "you will find under your piano seat" and a tiger among other things.  It dealt with emergency situations and self-reliance as well as just flat out "you are so toast on this one".  It's still floating around the web but I see that it hasn't been updated for a LONG time. I figured it was about time for one that mirrored current situations.

Ultimate Final Exam - Home on the Range 2017 edition
Instructions: Read each question thoroughly. Answer all questions. Time limit - eight hours. Begin immediately.


On your desk is a box of Crayons and a sheet of paper.  Recreate the Mona Lisa.  No smiling. Note that the crayon color "flesh" from your childhood has been renamed as apparently, that was politically incorrect. Even the orange one couldn't be named "what happened when I used Q-T once in the seventies".

Agricultural Science:

Create a process to crossbreed Texas Longhorn and Charolais cattle.  In the back room, you will find a cranky female Longhorn and artificial insemination equipment.  Document your findings regarding resultant lineback color patterns, composite qualities, expected muscle mass of offspring and the impact on raising in parasite infected areas if you are able to write with the bandages.


You have a product and service that is unrivaled in the current market place and can be distributed at greater savings than competitors. Write a business model to sell off the assets of the organization with the least impact on capital gains after the contract was awarded to a minority business with no actual production experience.

Explain how the use of fossil fuels to convert corn to burnable fuel saves fossil fuel.  You will find a bushel of corn and a car with 1/4 tank of  e-85.  The answer is in a classroom 160 miles away. You are not allowed to refuel.
Computer Science

You have an ancient computer equipped with MS-DOS. Call the help desk that is now in India and tell them the screen is blue and you wish to change the color

Explain why there is no "I" in team, but there is "me" if you rearrange the letters. Be prepared to defend your position and make sure everyone gets their award.

Document three historical instances of technological reversals in semi-isolated societies, not including the Torres Islanders and Dorset Eskimos. Describe the impact on the use of weaponry such as the bow and arrow and whether anti-bow and arrow tribesmen contributed to the loss of such technologies and subsequent loss of life and/or livelihood.


Compose an epic sonnet based on all that you achieved in your first 18 years of life in which you use the writing style of William Butler Yeats. Tweet it to 10,000 strangers.    No sentence may end in "Nantucket".

Using accepted methodology, prove all four of the following:

your dryer eats your socks on a regular basis
beauty is in the eye of the beholder
long term public assistance encourages people to seek employment
the sky is infinite

Now disprove all of the above;


On the table, you will find a Wilson Combat Tactical AR15, a box of .223 ammo and a can of spray cheese. In 5 minutes several hungry and rabid Honey Badgers will be released into the room. You are in Cook County, Illinois.
Medicine -

You have a link to the Obamacare website.  Get health insurance.  You have 1 hour.


Write an opera for alto and soprano using the lyrics of any album by rapper Lil Wayne.  Explain how this is music.

Explain why Islam is the religion of peace.  Students are not allowed to frame an answer in Judeo-Christian language or comparative reference as such discussion is not appropriate in a state-run classroom.

Write 500 words regarding analytic philosophy as reflected in the works of Monty Python.(Nudge Nudge, Think Think). If you say "who is Monty Python?" do not pass Go, do not collect $200.

Political Science 

Explain why Hillary Clinton was elected Senator of New York. You have 20 minutes which is 10 more minutes than you had with the rabid Honey Badgers.

In the Twilight Series, Edward Cullen is a 100 year old Vampire with a perfect body and perfect hair, who can run. jump and fight in a supernatural way. Plus he sparkles. Please explain in psychological terms, whether his wish to attend high school in Forks, Washington (population about 3,000)  is based on anticipatory coping or a fixation on females with an apparently improper functioning amygdala. Extra credit for algorithms or Edward and Bella hand puppets.

Create a life form that can survive without food or water.  Document any useful purpose of such creature, either companionship/service animal, medical research,  food source or benefit to society.  If none is found, have it declared endangered and vacate the learning institution immediately with your can of spray cheese.  Your exam is now over.


Unknown said...

Thanks! I miss Brigid's blog since it went private.


cecilhenry said...

This is why those in the know, always demand closed book exams.

And no take home exams ever. They are death-- protracted.

Skip said...

Hey, I scored a two. Didipass?

Samuel Gonzalez said...

Hey, my name is Sam and I run a blog called The Last Tradition. I'm looking to expand my blog roll and I think we have a lot in common. Check me out If you like what you see I hope you add me to your blog roll. I'll do the same! Thanks for your time.

Steffen said...

I could probably get a passing grade on a couple of those. The smart money says you should fudge it until they give you the Wilson Tactical AR-15, then take it along with the ammo and leave posthaste, without giving the testers any clue of your home address. Only way to make this disaster end in your favor...

lee n. field said...

The MSDOS question. Wow, I could almost do that from memory. Something with the mode command....

jon spencer said...

For a Merchant Mariners Document Qualified Member of Engine Department test given by the USCG, it was a open book test with the tech manuals being provided.
All the written words were redacted.

pigpen51 said...

I could of course baffle with bullshit like the rest of your readers here. The only thing that I had trouble with was the Hillary Clinton election from N.Y. I vividly recall when she ran for the office, thinking that we were taught that the term for what she was doing was carpetbagging. It was not a term of endearment. Then again, if a worm moved to a place filled with worms, they would probably fit right in, and if they were the biggest worm, they might rise up to be queen of the worms.