Congress solves renewable energy problem

Repeals ban on Perpetual Motion devices:

WASHINGTON - In a bold move to lessen our dependence on traditional fuels and decrease carbon emissions, Congress voted to repeal an old Republican ban on perpetual motion machines, clearing the way for the development of self-propelled water wheels, self-flowing flasks, float belts, zeromotors, and other environmentally-friendly industrial equipment.

Director of the White House's Office of Science and Technology Policy John Holdren hailed the effort as an example of the hope and change President Obama's leadership promised to bring to the world. "The anti-perpetual-motion propaganda was unleashed by the previous administration in the interests of Big Oil," said Holdren, describing the "manufactured consensus" against perpetual motion as a "clever dodge" to suppress alternative competition.

But what about the scientific consensus that perpetual motion is impossible? Don't worry, they have that covered:

"Our intense collaboration with the scientific community has shown that a desired scientific consensus can be quickly achieved with correct redistribution of scientific grants," Holdren said.

Well, that's a relief! And just in time, too:

Nobel Prize laureate and Oscar winning film maker Al Gore cheered the repeal, noting that "the science supporting perpetual motion is settled." Now that he no longer has to worry about his carbon footprint, he can also repeal the self-imposed restriction on nightly big steaks, frequent trips on his private jet, and leaving his 20-room mansion lit up all night long.

Glad we've finally got the Right Team running things in Washington. This is all so much simpler than those boring scientists and engineers said. Time to climb on the Change Train, haters!