There are a ton of people moving here to Florida, and a lot of them are from New York. Blogger Don Surber has a comment that I need to reproduce here to inform New Yorkers of the peril they face moving here:
A reader named Bill wrote, "You left a lot out of your column regarding Florida being the future. I’ve been in Florida my entire life and you should know the truth. More importantly, you should let your readers know that:
- Florida gets a major hurricane twice a month
- Alligators are the size of tractor trailers and they eat New Yorkers
- The state sales tax is 58%
- It takes 45 minutes to drive 2 miles to work
- Mosquitoes kill 30,000 people each year (mostly New Yorkers, weird)
- 1 in 4 Florida residents will be the victim of a violent crime…….tomorrow
- Sharks troll the coastline looking for New Yorkers
"Please warn your readers!"
Actually, it's worse than that. Yes, it's 80° here right now, but this is Castle Perilous.
15 comments:
We have the same problems in Texas, but we also have 600 pound javelinas with tusks 3 feet long that have a tendency to only attack New Yorkers.
Don't forget that the Seminoles never signed a peace treaty so Florida is technically still in a state of war.
Spank us all !!!!!!!!!!!
Here in Cincinnati, the alligators that live in the sewers prefer long pig, especially welfare moms and meth heads. They're much easier for them to catch than pigs or rabbits, and no one here misses them.
My acquaintances that keep their Nile crocodiles in their basements have horrendous food bills for their little pets, which is why a lot of us are waiting for the kickoff of American Revolution, the Remake.
I was in Florida some years back for an engineering class, and had a chance to go on a guided tour of Okefenokee. I was in love with the gators, but the mean tour guide wouldn't let me go swimming with them. He hurt my feweings!
All true. All true.
Here in Tennessee, it's nonstop tornadoes, fierce bears roaming the streets (when it's not escaped tigers), weather that alternates between hot'n'humid and ice storms, and amazingly aggressive wasps.
Also, the state is run by a Republican death cult that wants everyone to die of the Pestilence and/or climate change, and opposes women's rights.
I'm sure there are many other good reasons to avoid this hellhole. Truly, California is paradise!
Oh, come on, man. Hurricanes twice a month? No. Just no.
It's only once a month off season. Jeez, get it right...
:)
And you left out gun battles all day long because we have CCW here.
Beans: the gun battles in Florida are nothing! Here in Tennessee we have open carry, no permit required, so random people go around brazenly wearing guns and the cops don't even try do anything about it.
And those guns do go off; gunfire is a common sound, even out in the peaceful-looking countryside on a Sunday afternoon. Emergency services have an appalling response time; after a gunfire incident, it's sometimes daysbefore we hear the sirens.
Here in Cincinnati, we also have coyotes the size of garbage trucks prowling the streets, looking for tasty Karens and Kens. The cops are terrified of them, and most of the streets are too narrow to allow the Abrams tanks to do regular patrols. Some of the patrols that use Bradleys are never heard from again, especially in the northern suburb of Sycamore Township.
I can't forget the tiger mosquitoes; they're called tiger mosquitoes because a pack of them can carry off the wild tigers that roam the Over the Rhine area. What I love watching are the epic aerial battles between the giant, man eating yellow jackets and the swarms of African Killer Bees.
OTOH, I worked a contract last year in southern PA, and my manager warned me not to visit Gettysburg, because the vampire infestation is so severe. Crosses and silver bullets don't even phase these foul creatures; I found the only thing that dissuades them is a flame thrower, and the stores nearby are chronically out of them.
Driving thru the battlefield roads at night, as I did when I was out metal detecting and relic hunting, one could see the ghosts of the soldiers fighting pitched battles with the werewolf packs that roam the Appalachians to the north and west.
One nice thing is that I've been able to have a few chats with my ancestor, Myron VanWinkle, who is buried in one of the local cemeteries. When I go metal detecting, I always stop by his grave and ask him if he wants to go with me. Family, it's a wonderful thing.
Myron was a Union soldier, wounded at the battle, and died a few days later. I won't repeat what he told me about the ways things have changed, and I'm heeding his warning that things are going to get much worse; it even makes a ghost fearful.
Hurricanes twice a month? Pish posh - why, where I am from we dream of hurricanes twice a month. It is the meteors continually falling from the sky that are the real issue, although to be fair, it is not really the meteors, it is the extra-terrestrial bat monsters that ride down on the meteors that are really the problem (600 lbs javelinas and alligators. )....
Those extra-terrestrial bat monsters sound like they could be a problem!
We have marauding packs of wolf-like beasts the size of cows, but the electric fence keeps them at bay, and their presence seems to deter the turkey-like creatures the size of velociraptors that infest the local forest.
I believe you neglected to mention the vicious killer manatees that roam in packs targeting New Yorkers and Californians. They have an excellent sense of smell and can easily pick out people from those states.
The last time I visited Florida, I was hardly able to sleep, hearing people in the streets yelling, "Oh! The huge manatee!"
==Dwight
Oh, yes: the very scariest thing FL and TN have in common?
Faces. Human faces. Out in public, unmasked.
Jess- And Califoricators...
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