Friday, February 6, 2015

Laws of the Universe

Via email:

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

5. Variation Law - If you change traffic lanes, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now. This is also true when you change checkout lines at Walmart, K-Mart and the
Grocery store.

6. Law of the Bath    - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

7. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

8. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

9. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

10. Law of the Theatre & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

11. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

12. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

13. Law of Physical Surfaces -
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

17. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!

18. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.


ASM826 said...

Most of these are immutable laws of the universe, but #6 has been solved. US Patent 4,616,110.

Michael Egan said...

There used to be an old one that was passed around by the Army:

Murphy's Laws of Land Warfare:

1. Never share a position with somebody braver than you.
2. Tracers work both ways.
3. Hand grenade fuses are always longer or shorter at the worst time.

Bunch of others that I can't remember. but it is a hilarious and thought provoking meme.

Ancient Woodsman said...

Some laws of forestry:

1. After being engaged in a few hours of poison ivy control and far from any restroom, you'll need one.

2. The likelihood of a tree falling the wrong way when cut is directly proportional to the proximity of valuable things like cars, sheds, and houses.

3. Ice thick enough to support heavy logging machinery on a very cold steam will likewise not be strong enough to support a human foot.

4. The best bug repellant in the world won't work on the particular species of biting insect that is in your area today.

5. If you haven't had the pleasure of stepping on a ground hornet's nest yet, you will soon.

6. The "dead spot" in your radio coverage area will be the precise spot that you get injured or your vehicle stuck.

7. Right before the once-creeping fire flares up, the hose will blow or the pump will either flood or run out of gas.

Oh, there's more...

burt said...

Fudd's Law: You can't fall off the floor.

Finagle's Theorem: It works better if you plug it in.

Burt's Question: What happens when you push this but

Arthur said...

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

This denies the possibility of alternate universes. It is obviously incorrect. :P

Anyone who wants to prove me wrong can find my #$%$#% spring all by themselves.

Arthur said...

"Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!"

This has a corollary called the "Laying on of Hands" stating that one sufficiently versed in the operation of a machine can fix said machine simply by demonstrating its use.

I've observed the corollary functioning on everything for a $20 Toaster to a $200,000 In-Circuit Tester.

Chris said...

Regarding Rule #5: select the line with the least number of middle-aged women. They will either have trouble finding their credit card, insist on finding the exact change in their 25-pounds-of-junk-inside purse, or chat with the cashier (double whammy if the cashier is also a middle-aged woman). Yes, I realize this will cause me no end of trouble, but years of observation has shown a distinct correlation (to the 95% confidence level, lol). Oh, this applies to any elderly person in the self-checkout line. BTW, I am over 60, FWIW.

Arthur said...

Regarding #5, my own experiences say the holdups most often happen with women in their 20's - usually with one baby in tow. Because as the cashier is ringing up the purchases the cell phone conversation in concert with the food stamp/EBT shuffle begins. This can last for hours.

In can become really complex if the woman's baby-daddy is attempting to buy booze and cigarettes in the '20 items or less' express checkout line at the same time.

Paul Bonneau said...

Bonneau's Law: The (human) world is 90% bullshit.