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But Thor was, at the end of the day, a friend. After he clobbered me we made up and went on like nothing had happened. Just a couple of kids in a small town. Until the day he didn't come to school.
I'd been sitting with him the afternoon before, in English class. We'd gotten our grades, and he'd failed. He kept saying about the teacher, You're breaking my heart, so f*** you. Over and over. I didn't know what to say.
I still don't, but wonder to this day if it would have made a difference.
ASM826 just lost a friend.
Wednesday morning, he hugged his wife, left the house, walked to a motel, checked in, and sometime that morning, he killed himself.There are demons that flitter in the darkened corners of our souls. I wish that I said that I couldn't understand; I've written before on this, but understanding doesn't penetrate to the desperate core. We're surrounded by Grace, but for some the eyes dim and the darkness overwhelms the light.
And the rest of us are left with unanswerable questions. The best we can do is to look to art in the hopes that something there transcends the incomprehensible. It is admittedly a thin hope. This is one such attempt, that does a good job of describing those left behind, questioning. You wonder if someone could capture the darkness that overwhelms the one who leaves, without having that same darkness seep into their soul.
Save me, oh Lord, from ever knowing the answer to that.
How Do You Get That Lonely? (Songwriters: Rory Lee Feek, Jamie Teachnor)
It was just another story printed on the second pageThe National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is (800) 273-TALK.
Underneath the Tiger's football score
It said he was only eighteen, a boy about my age
They found him face down on his bedroom floor
There'll be services on Friday at the Lawrence Funeral Home
Then out on Mooresville highway, they'll lay him 'neath a stone...
How do you get that lonely, how do you hurt that bad
To make you make the call, that having no life at all
Is better than the life that you had
How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go
How do you get that lonely... and nobody know
Did his girlfriend break up with him, did he buy or steal that gun?
Did he lose a fight with drugs or alcohol?
Did his Mom and Daddy forget to say I love you son?
Did no one see the writing on the wall?
I'm not blaming anybody, we all do the best we can
I know hindsight's 20/20, but I still don't understand...
How do you get that lonely, how do you hurt that bad
To make you make the call, that having no life at all
Is better than the life that you had
How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go
How do you get that lonely... and nobody know
It was just another story printed on the second page
Underneath the Tiger's football score...
But at my back I always hearSeize the day: kiss your children, dance with your wife. Live like this is the last day of your life.
Time's wingèd chariot hurrying near;
And yonder all before us lie
Deserts of vast eternity.
Thy beauty shall no more be found,
Nor, in thy marble vault, shall sound
My echoing song: then worms shall try
That long preserved virginity,
And your quaint honour turn to dust,
And into ashes all my lust:
The grave's a fine and private place,
But none, I think, do there embrace.
- Andrew Marvell, To His Coy Mistress
2 comments:
More years ago than I care to remember, I had a talk with a younger cousin who wanted to go camping with me in the BWCA. At that particular time, I was busy with work and unable to go, and told him so.
That night he hanged himself.
I've never been able to get over that, know that if I'd just suggested something else- that we go for a burger and Coke, or just have dinner- he'd be alive today.
There are those who'd tell me I'm being a little too hard on myself, and maybe I am. But I am the one he came to, wanting some company, to feel that he was loved and needed.
But again, I'd failed a life-test.
Yea, Shy, I understand. I feel the same way. Like it was right in front of me and I failed the test.
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