Saturday, November 18, 2017

In Dog Beers I've Had One - A Brigid Holiday Shopping Guest Post

Grocery shopping in a snowstorm the weekend before Thanksgiving is never fun.  But with my husband being in charge of spiders, dead possums in the yard, and home repairs the grocery shopping is my weekly chore.  I HAVE learned some things, however.

500 carts in the store and I will get the one with the front wheel that pirouettes like a ballerina on crack.

I always make a list.  Sometimes I remember to bring it with me.

Always eat something before shopping.  I once went on an empty stomach and came home as the proud owner of Aisle 5.

You can go to the store for "just" milk, and spend $125.
Pork chop in homemade fig molasses with grist mill cornbread.  Forget the Kraft Dinner.

You know you need "me" time when a stroll down the detergent aisle feels like a spa day.

My husband once asked me to pick up some oil  There were like 87 different kinds.  I now know what men feel like in the tampon aisle.

If someone is standing directly in front of the item I need I will pretend to look for something else until they move.

I once lost my Mom in the store.  I was 51.  They gave me a balloon and paged her.

I do not object to telling the millennial who has 37 items in the Express Aisle "that I know all the lyrics to FROZEN and I am NOT afraid to use them".

I have, on more than one occasion of many years, turned the Betty Crocker Upside Down Cake box in the aisle - upside down.

I realize that I get excited that I can now buy the unhealthy cereal my Mom usually didn't let us have.

Someday they will say about me "she died doing what she loved, carrying 87 plastic bags of groceries from the car to the house, rather than make 2 trips.".

That being said - happy to have survived and made it home for a cold one.

And a frozen pizza - as I was tired out from all the shopping.


Tom in NC said...

Brilliant! Can't tell you how many of these hit VERY close to home, identically so in many cases. One you missed - you can pick a check-out lane, but the other lanes will ALWAYS move faster, especially if the one you picked has the minimum line of shoppers when you chose it. Also, it wasn't my mom I lost in the store, it was my wife - she almost never goes to the grocery store (I'm the cook and primary shopper), so when she does, she kind of roams around in wonder at everything. She's a genius in many ways, but like a lot of really smart people, she has a different perspective on things.

bruce said...

for some reason this is the finest thing I have ever read.

c-90 said...

Don't you know that the next to last step in the production line of supermarket carts is? Just after the QC dept., tests all the carts for straight wheels, and before they pack them up for shipment. Is a guy, who's waiting on his retirement from the plant, to take a hand sledge to the front wheels, and bash them around so they pivot in any direction except straight ahead?


Linda said...

Love your descriptions! I can totally relate to getting the cart that continually tries to run people over despite your best efforts to make it go straight, and getting in the line where someone is trying to use a card that doesn't work or some other disagreeable method of payment. Deep breaths and a smart phone helps. Enjoy that cold earned it.

Ted said...

I've always wondered who is manager who though it was a good idea to stack stuff 3 high on the top shelf?? .... and why didn't the fact that his stockboys need to use a step
ladder to stock the top shelf not clew him into the fact that this was not such a good idea???

..... and while I'm on the subject of clueless store managers.... Why do they think that if they completely rearrange all the locations of all the items that will some how improve things????? It just means that I have to relearn where the thing I buy are located.