Friday, August 18, 2017

Showering and Anarchy - A Brigid Guest Post

I had a little time at lunch today to do some shopping before more thunderstorms come in, picking up a few gifts on sale for upcoming birthdays and holidays.

I bought this bottle of shower gel on sale, as sort of a fun gift for my Dad, just because the name sort of cracked me up and I figured it would be good for a smile.   Anarchy.  Unleash Chaos.

Then I opened it and unleashed something.  But it wasn't chaos.

Once, when my brother was going deer hunting and  I opened up the bottle of Tinks, deer in estros scent and took a big whiff, to see what it smelled like.

I do believe most of my nose hair incinerated, my retinas briefly detached and there was a compression somewhere between C-11 and C-12 as I attempted not to throw up.

This was worse.

Thinking it was just me, I ran it past a gal friend for a test sniff  as I stopped to drop off some books I'd borrowed.  " Wow, that's horrible" she said (and some special words she learned from Scandinavian relatives)  Her retired husband then offered his nose for a test and then promptly offered me a bottle of fine scotch  to get it out of the room and bury it.

Maybe, when one of the red hazmat bins is empty. . .no, safer to bury it.

To the Anarchy-showered male in the advertising above  - trust me, unless you're one of those effeminate vampires from Twilight and tube top dress girl has a wooden stake and a big mallet handy, she's not going to be smiling on her drive home.

Scent is a deeply personal thing, and certain scents bring do bring back memories. 

Brut was beyond popular when I was growing up, one of the first to use a celebrity endorsement to persuade men that grooming wasn't for wimps. Famed heavyweight boxer Henry Cooper was the original "face" of Brut, urging men to "splash it all over" long before David Beckham had his first shave.  I think there were little machines in the bathrooms in bars you could go into with a fake ID and have something with Kahlua and the guys would go douse themselves with it or so I heard as I don't know I was at choir practice. . .

I wasn't a big fan of Brut.  But I worked at the airport after school, pumping gas, driving this humongous truck with lousy brakes that was full of flammable liquid between large pointy moving objects and Samoans racing baggage carts.  And Dad freaked out if I drove the VW Bug on the freeway.

So I smelled like kerosene, which sort of canceled out the Brut smell.  Besides, I was holding out for my grade school girl crush, Illya Kuyakin, so teenager boys in Brut didn't stand much of a chance.

Remember Hai Karate! ? My Dad had some of that and was supremely disappointed and used to tease my Mom that his bottle must have been a dud as he didn't  have to fend off any super models with karate chops like on the commercials.   I don't remember what it smelled like but I don't think he ever had to fend off Mom wearing it, though, come to think of it, once, when he put on too much, she drove a golf ball from the back yard through the back kitchen window with a Five Iron.

Dad gave that up for Old Spice which he has worn ever since. When I go home, he gives me a big hug and I can still smell it on his sweater, that "Dad" smell that's both reassurance and comfort.

Now, there's not just aftershave, there is cologne, shampoo, body washes, shampoo/body washes (and the difference is?)

Most advertise themselves to smell like "fresh glacier extinguishing a giant fores  fire full of deer in heat" or such things.

I think the perfect man natural scent would be some sort of mysterious combination of, coffee, bacon, woodsmoke, and dark beer (with a slight undertone of 20-year-old British Motor Car Wheel Bearing Grease.)
But if one has to wear an actual store bought scent, I vote for the most subtle of sandalwood (And Demeter makes this unisex fragrance called gin and tonic that's smells really good on clean skin).

But boy, are there some bad ones out there.

Russia makes some particularly vile ones though they'd be good with a twist of lime and some ice,

And there's one I can't remember the exact name of,  from a small central European country that smelled like the bottom of the sea. The place where fish poop a lot, not the Aerial the little redhead Mermaid happy place.
Pinaud Lilac Vegetal- can be used as a substitution for Tinks.  Seriously. You'll have a 12 point buck trying to climb your head as quick as you can say C'est vraiment de ta faute!

Masters Island Breeze - be careful you don't get any on your skin.

Secretions Malefiques -  the Kardashians Kat in heat.

Aqua Velva Musk - if you want to be hit on by a hairy fur trapper,  go right ahead.

Clubman - Very 80's name.  Dries down to Cat box and Mrs. Butterworth syrup.

Black Magic (various grooming products) - If  you see it?   Kill it!  Kill it with Fire!

And I'd avoid Anarchy, for now.
- Brigid


Bob Tamewitz said...

I agree about a lot of the male colognes, aftershaves, body spray, etc. One of the worst is Axe. The company that I retired from makes packaging coatings. These are the linings and exteriors applied to protect cans, ends(lids), pails, drums, canning lids and rings, etc. The linings need to be tested with different products that are packaged against them. One time we got in some Axe Body Spray. As a joke I said that I was going to see how well it worked attracting the girls in the lab. I sprayed a tiny spritz on my finger and put it behind my ear lobes like women used to do with cologne. Big mistake. Within seconds my eyes started burning and I began to gag. I ended up dashing for the men's room to wash it off after briefly considering jumping into the safety shower..................

Randall said...

Oh, you're probably just a 'grey at the temples, Old Spice, man with a labrador' sort of a girl.

ASM826 said...

I'm close on the natural scent, but I haven't owned a British car in 35 years and the British Motor Car Wheel Bearing Grease I still have was probably 15 years old when I bought it, judging by the label.

Also, mine has highlights of Hoppes #9, the original, with banana oil and benzene.

LetsPlay said...

Brigid, you are spot on girl! That stuff is nasty. But the store shelves are full of it. I've never stuck around to see who buys it but Axe should get the Ax definitely.

Unknown said...

My own personal cologne is usually coffee, 2 stroke exhaust, sawdust, and powder smoke, with just a hint of 90W gear oil.


Jerry said...

The aroma aspect is interesting. A few years ago, my grandson & I toured a KC-135 at an airshow. While much of the equipment had changed around the cockpit, the one thing I noticed most is that even 30 years later, the airplane smelled the same.

drjim said...

Ships have distinctive smells, too.

Whenever I got back from a launch mission, my wife would comment that I "smelled like the ocean".

And my work on the Battleship Iowa brings the lovely aroma of Marine Distillate #2 home with me.

Or as my wife like to say..."You smell like SHIP!", which she thinks is hilarious....

jon spencer said...

The other day I got a "you smell good", it was mosquito repellent.