RALEIGH, NC—A coalition of geologists are challenging the way we look at global stone reserves, claiming that, unless smarter methods of preservation are developed, mankind will eventually run out of rocks.All of you with granite counter tops, I hope you're happy. As a penance, you'd better support the proposed Rock Offset Tax (ROT) being mooted by the IPCC. A few extra bucks from all you environmental wreckers is a small price to pay so that future generations and developing nations can get their fair share of rocks.
"If we do not stop using them up at our current rate, rocks as we know them will be a thing of the past," renowned geologist Henry Kaiser said at a press conference Tuesday.
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The scientists warned that, although people have long considered the world's rock supply to be inexhaustible, it has not created a significant number of new rocks since the planet cooled some 3.5 billion years ago. Moreover, the earth's rocks have been very slowly depleting in the last century due to growing demand for fireplace mantels, rock gardens, gravel, and paperweights.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Scientists: We're doomed
I mean, the science is settled and everything:
I was about to either say "What the hell?" or "sigh..." but then I saw the URL.
ReplyDeleteSad how little The Onion has to work to make this stuff up...
"Sad how little The Onion has to work to make this stuff up..."
ReplyDeleteEven more so that I considered it entirely believable until I saw the URL.
It's disappointing, really. I had a "*headdesk*" comment all lined up in my head and ready to type, too.
*sigh*
Now that is some high quality ridicule!
ReplyDeleteBuy land! Now! They've stopped making more of it!
ReplyDeleteErnie wrote about this very topic a little over 70 years ago: "Zion Park relieved me of a queer obsession. You know, there are some scientists who spend all their time worrying about the world's running out of oil, and others fret about the eventual exhaustion of all our coal. Still others spend a lifetime stewing over the day when our forests will all be gone. Well, I'm like that, only I have a field all to myself. I have always worried about running out of rock. I've caught myself sitting straight up in bed at night, screaming, "My God, we're out of rock!" But now my worries are over. In one day we saw enough rock to keep all the armies and contractors and little boys of the whole world in rock till the end of time. There are whole mountains of solid rock. And I don't mean big, rough-looking rock covered with trees and gullies and dirt. like the Canadian Rockies; I mean just bare, slick, clean, bare rock-as far as you could see, nothing at all but rock. The slopes and valleys and even the creek beds are solid rock. You could drive for miles and not see two bucketfuls of dirt."
ReplyDeleteThat's hysterical!
ReplyDeleteYou guys are all a bunch of Deniers.
ReplyDelete;-)